


towing the line.

by reedus



Series: Shuffle Challenge [2]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes-centric, Cigarettes, M/M, One Shot, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Short One Shot, Shuffle Challenge, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, i only had 3 minutes and 56 seconds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 16:17:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15100466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reedus/pseuds/reedus
Summary: Bucky is alone in Bucharest. He remembers everything, and is trying to recover.





	towing the line.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Pick a character, pairing, or fandom you like.  
> 2\. Turn on your music player and put it on random/shuffle.  
> 3\. Write a drabble related to each song that plays. You only have the time frame of the song to finish the drabble; you start when the song starts, and stop when it's over. No lingering afterwards!  
> 4\. Do ten of these, then post them.
> 
> Title for this one shot is from the song Towing the Line by Ben Howard.

Song 2: Towing the Line by Ben Howard

 

 

Love is in the early mornings, Bucky came to realise. For the past two years he felt like he could never overcome his past traumas, not only the pain and the suffering he went through but also the pain and suffering he caused other people. He had to live with the guilt of killing people for the rest of his life, however long that may be. He knew he didn’t deserve to live peacefully when their families to live without their loved ones, that he accepted. Bucky constantly struggled with his emotions, with how he felt about himself as the memories flooded back to him. On more than one occasion he felt the best thing for everyone was for him to die, that way he could cause no more suffering to anyone. But he didn’t die, not for lack of trying. After his second attempt he began to feel like the westerlies in Ireland; so decadent, rough and violent. Hatred for himself ran through his veins. Bucky felt like a bird in a world of no trees, alone and exposed. He wondered if it would ever get better.

It was only after his third attempt that Bucky decided to try live, at least for a while. Despite the soul crushing guilt and the endless nightmares and flashbacks to all the lives he had taken that still rattled him after his suicide attempts, Bucky had begun to appreciate things in life again. He hadn’t done that since before the war, before he was shipped off to France to fight the Nazis all those years ago. With Steve. Steve was on Bucky’s very short list of reasons to stay alive. After a few weeks of living alone in Bucharest, Bucky found that his favourite time of day was the early mornings as the city woke. The sun sleepily rose over the buildings, causing the shadows to lazily move across the pavement and buildings. It was beautiful.

Bucky often sat on the balcony of his shitty little flat, drinking whatever alcohol he could get his hands on and smoking cheap cigarettes. From there, he watched people carry on with their lives; people catching up with friends on the street, parents with their children, beggars and choosers alike, all passing by his flat without a second thought. They all lived their lives as well as they could, while Bucky sat watching, living along the line between life and death. Maybe one day he could join the people. Maybe one day he could be happy. Just maybe.


End file.
